I wish we could say that’s a wrap, nightmare over, all done with this crazy nonsense that has afflicted us these last seven hundred and thirty days, but that’s not our reality. As a family, we have never done anything in half measure, so why should it be any different when it comes to eating disorders? We don’t have the short-term version of this malady; if such a thing even exists, we are in this for the long haul.
We keep dipping below the minimum weight threshold set by our team of professionals. Our daughter remains unable to acknowledge or even comprehend that this is a problem. She is perpetually trapped in a world where eating less, excercising more, and living in despair of the body she has, make up her primary points of reality. She can’t shake it. Her brain is stuck. She’s caught in quicksand, sinking while at the same time swatting away the many hands that are reaching out to save her.
She tries to focus on other
things, anything to distract her from the darkness of the monster’s world. Crocheting, taking extra online school classes, signing up for more music lessons, puzzling, art, church choir, she’s even writing her own musical! When our daughter is in her creative zone, using her many talents and abilities, she is a perfect delight. Sports was another big distraction for her, but our team recently concluded that ED is sneaking into her mind more through exercise than eating, so we’ve had to shut all that down. ED is pissed! But we can’t celebrate thwarting ED because ED’s anger comes out through our daughter: more tears, more yelling, more anxiety, more despair. If I can’t exercise, then fine, I won’t eat!
Your family is “emotionally combustible,” says Brooke, our Eating Disorder Therapist. This is not news to us. Mistin and I have been in marriage counselling for the last six weeks, desperately trying to learn how we can keep it all together. I think the hardest thing for both of us is realizing that we, as parents, are no longer helping in the battle against ED. We’ve both become liabilities.
I’m a liability because I am unable to tolerate how disrespectful, disobedient, deceitful, and unkind ED makes my daughter. I am forced to disengage so I don’t lose my temper and get sent to prison, which irritates Mistin tremendously because she feels alone in the battle to save our daughter.
In trying so hard to be the saviour, Mistin, like me, also becomes a liability. At meal times, she constantly hovers, measures, preaches, pesters, compromises, and worries. Tikki has no space to learn to fight the monster on her own, which results in increased resentment between mother and daughter. Soul and body-breaking stress tear mercilessly at my wife. She has to let go. The stress is killing her, but who can tell a mom who loves her baby with all her heart to let go?
“We are recommending residential treatment as soon as possible,” the team said in a recent meeting. They see what’s happening; it’s very common. This is the family wrecking disease, after all. I resent Mistin for trying too hard, and she resents me for not trying hard enough. All the while, ED, like a fucking cancer, continues to spread its mind-wrecking, lie-believing tentacles throughout our daughter’s brain, and we are powerless to do anything to stop it.
In a sudden moment of agreement, we pivot. Mistin and I have to make a move; we can’t go on like this. We call up some dear friends 5 hours away and make the ask. Will they take Tikki for aweek? She self-feeds, not nearly as good as she needs to, but it will have to be good enough for this week. We won’t be able to curtail her exercise while she is away, but oh well. Tikki has all the tools to succ
eed against ED. 12 weeks of intensive DBT training last summer and meetings once or twice a week for almost two years now with trained professionals. Our daughter is equipped to have success against ED. We have put her in a position to succeed, and now she must fight independently of us. Our friends agree to take her, and we drive our daughter into this new phase of the fight. We have no idea what condition Tikki will be in at this time next week, but we are hoping and praying there will be a breakthrough and not a trip back to the hospital after we pick her up.
Oh, that our daughter might get a spark of internal motivation to throw off this monster. A little spark is all she needs, and our firey, determined, unstoppable Tikki will have ED in a world of hurt. Will you hope and pray with us that the spark will come this week?
54 Responses
Hoping and praying with you. 💙💙💙
Thanks
Dick and I continue to pray. Also have my Bible study group praying.
Thanks so much
Dennis my lovely, sweet friend and Mistin as well of course. Just no words. This story is so heartbreaking. Hang in there. Come swimming. Would love to see you. Orrrrrrrrrrrrrrr call Nelson and go for coffee. All so good for you. Tremendous love and support coming your way to both and all of you. Junie
Great to hear from you. I think whenever Nelson finishes my book we’re gonna go out for coffee so hopefully soon. My boy has gotten into weightlifting, so I’m out of the pool and in the weight room I can’t believe it but we’re having a lot of fun together.
I am praying, too. We are walking a path of self-medication and some.mental health with our daughter. I will continue to pray for you all as we pray for our family, too.
Thank you
I walked this path for many years. I have some serious masking skills so it either flew under the radar of the adults in my life or they didn’t really know how to broach the subject. In the end, it was unconditional love, counselling, strong friendships with amazingly athletic women who ATE A LOT, and God calling my heart to understand where my value is rooted that broke me free from the soul sucking vortex that is ED. But from about 14 to my early 20s it had an iron grip of my life; which is ironic because EDs are often about control. (Unfortunately the person thinks they are controlling their life with their eating/exercise regime, but the reality is that the ED is controlling them.)
Praying for you all. Hold on to hope. Trust that God is bigger than this.
Thanks for sharing your story. I’m sad you were in The grip of this monster for so long but I’m glad you were able to break free. We are so hoping the same for our daughter.
Hi Dennis,
Man, do I ever feel your pain coming through your words! I’m with you through prayer support, I’m with you in your anger at ED. I’m also heartbroken for you, Mistin and the family. Seems to me that God, in his sovereign purposes, has given you another “Job” like moment. May His glory shine through as you walk through these dark times.
Stephen Christensen
Thank for the prayer support
Thank you for letting us in on this situation Dennis. I absolutely cannot imagine how impossibly hard it all is. I will stop and pray for you and your family right now.
Thanks Caleb, it’s a struggle to be sure!
Praying now, will bring up at prayer group tonight. <3
Thank you very much
Hi Dennis,
We can pray, Jesus heals the impossible. Ask the therapist what else we can practically do.
Pam
Love you all….praying from MN. We are so so sorry for the darkness and pain of this journey. May Jesus be near…
Thank you so much
Dennis and Mistin my heart breaks for you. I will continue to pray for you and your family. I know this affects all members of the family. ❤️❤️🙏
Thanks Joan how long will this go on for….
My heart is with you! I know you are both going crazy trying to get her over her situation. She must learn to see that her situation is untenable by herself. Unfortunately, it might mean she has to be at the edge of the cliff of complete destruction before she can admit it. It must be gut-wrenching to be faced with this every day. I hope you see though that you must take care of yourselves as well, and I think this separation will be a chance to spend some time enjoying each other’s company over a nice dinner somewhere and getting back to how terrific you both are together. I’m sure I’m not alone in praying for a successful outcome for all of you. Lotsa love!
Thanks for this. Ultimately this is a battle only my daughter can win and your right she might have to fall hard a few more times before she realizes that life with a monster is no life at all
I had vowed to be praying and I feel bad that I got distracted by my own health crisis but I am promising again to pray..
You see I have someone I love that is literally eating himself to death..he has the opposite issue and is a food addict and has no desire to eat healthy.. I told myself instead of being upset, angry and frustrated I would pray for your daughter and ask God to help them both..
So once again I am praying for your family…
Love, hugs and prayers for your family..
Thanks for recommitting to pray. Balance is so important to much or to little both are deadly
Thank you for the update. Your vulnerability in sharing so openly in the midst of this rawness is a light. We are so sorry this continues to be a stronghold for Tikki and for all the ways this impacts your family. Our family is praying and claiming the following for you all this week: Hope and healing for your family. An internal spark of motivation and that “aha” moment that Tikki so desperately needs to begin untangling herself from this beast❤️
May the Lord bless you and keep you. May he make his face shine upon you and give you peace.
Thanks Kristen- we are all hoping and praying for a breakthrough
Dennis, Mistin and family, my heart breaks for you guys! Just know that you are all being prayed for in Jesus name>
Sean
Thank you Sean
Much love brother! Prayers up! Cliff
Thanks Cliff
Been praying and will continue to. We serve a God of the impossible. He takes our impossible and makes it possible. I can’t imagine what you are going through as a family. Satan wants to destroy families and will use anything he can. I will be praying as often as I think of you all this week.
Thank you so much
Will be praying alongside you all!
Thanks
We will be praying! Thanks for being real….
Thanks
I have been praying diligently for your family and will continue to lift you up before the throne of Christ.
Thanks
Im praying that this is a great week for Tikki, and that you and Mistin are able to ‘rest’ this week.
Thanks
Denn
Dennis,
I hurt for Mistin, Tikki, yourself, and the rest of your kids. I wish to help you all bear this ongoing burden and offer my prayer support to you, especially through this current phase. Let me know, Dennis, how I might also help you press onward through this spiritual battle.
Thanks for your willingness to help one of the downsides. I guess of this comment section is it only lists you as anonymous so I don’t know who exactly you are.
Dear Dennis & Mistin. I will pray for you and your precious daughter. Our God is so merciful and I will plead for an outpouring of power, blessing, clarity, peace, rest, unity, comfort, vision, understanding, truth, strength, gentleness, insight, energy, joy, patience, compassion, obedience, hope, kindness, faith, resolve, courage, empathy, healing, grace, love. I pray that the complete finality of the cross and the triumphal new life of the resurrection will overwhelm your home, your marriage, your family, your world, your present, and your eternity. Amy
Thank you so much
Thank you for sharing. We are continuing to pray for all of you. And especially this upcoming week.
Josh and Anna Beers
Thanks Josh and Anna your prayers are greatly appreciated.
We are praying for the restoration of sweet Tikki.
Thanks for praying
Hey old friend, I am praying for your darling daughter and your family. My heart deeply saddened to know she is struggling so intensely. My prayer is that God’s love and truth will overcome the lies she is believing and that the resources offered to her will reach her. I hope she kicks ED’s ass, soundly, very soon. If your family ever needs a trip to Colorado to enjoy the mountain beauty this state has to offer, you are all welcome here.
Very Sincerely, Kathleen (McFadden) Vasquez (from Northland).
Thanks for reaching out. Thanks for prayers and love. This is such a dark time for us. It’s super nice to hear from you. It’s been decades since we chatted. I hope you and yours are doing well
It has been decades, gosh, so long ago. I’m so so sorry you’re all going through this. Your child is your treasure, and I know your hearts are broken. Please let me know what I can do to help… I probably can’t do much from this distance…but maybe there’s something. I will pray. I am close to acquiring my MA of Clinical Counseling degree – I’ll be done with internship in 2025. God used professional counseling to help me work through some significant issues using EMDR therapy – it was life-changing. I decided that I wanted to walk with others in their pain to help them find healing and hope. May God bless everything you are doing to rescue your daughter. If you and Mistin need someone to reach out to for any reason, I can be a sounding board. Anytime. May you find strength for this day, friend, and then the next, and the next. Hang in there, warriors. You are all in my prayers.
I’ve heard about EMDR, but don’t really know much about it. We Did FBT and DBT with mixed results. FBT prevented her from dying, and DBT gave her some coping mechanisms. But the core belief that she must eat less exercise more and not feel good about her body remain unchanged. 3 month residential care is probably what’s next but I’m not sure their approach— if EMDR could shake the core foundations upon which her eating disorder thrives I would be very interested in it